


of all the lesser passions, we like fighting most

by pipercase



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M, both of these boys are fucking dicks but...they belong together, lighthearted humor and relationship shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-04-22 01:44:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14298042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pipercase/pseuds/pipercase
Summary: Kyle is pretty sure he has the junior class election in the bag...he just hopes his boyfriend doesn’t fuck anything up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’d love some feedback on this! and lemme know if I should write any more kyman shit, or if you have any suggestions

Cartman had been either in love or obsessed with Kyle for as long as long as he could remember. Admittedly, the line between the two could sometimes get awfully blurry.

Since they’d first met at age 2, Cartman spent a majority of his time taking up Kyle’s. Gaining his attention had never been hard, really, because Kyle never could resist a good fight. In second grade, he’d given Cartman his first black eye.

In fourth grade, he dated Heidi Turner largely because of how frustrated it made Kyle. In sixth grade, he let the class hamster loose in Kyle’s back because he knew that Kyle would freak out. Generally, he just spent a lot of his life thinking about Kyle.

Butters had commented on it once, in the middle of doing Cartman’s homework for him in one of their bedrooms.

“What is it with you and Kyle, Eric?” He’d asked innocently.

Cartman, who had been laying on his back, shot immediately into an upright position. Hearing Kyle’s named tended to have that affect on him.

“What is that supposed to mean?” He demanded.

Butters looked nervous then, doing his best to backtrack.

“Well-uh-it’s just that...you know. You talk about Kyle a lot and all, and I just thought-“

“It’s because I hate him, Butters.” Cartman said firmly. “Kyle totally sucks, and I hate him.”

The mere implication that his fixation on Kyle meant anything more than that was enough to send him reeling.

It wasn’t until the boys reached middle school that Cartman himself began to recognize just how far his feelings went. It was their winter formal, and Kyle was dressed in a suit. A fucking suit. He was still an awkward, lanky 13 year old, but looking at him that night had made Cartman a little breathless.

Kyle was really hot, he realized. He was hot, and he was smart, and he could beat Cartman in a fight more often that not. Jesus Fucking Christ, how had he not realized this before? Suddenly his childhood obsession made a lot more sense.

He’d gone through something of a crisis in the months after that dance, picking fights with Kyle even more often than usual. Kenny had picked up on the change within a few weeks, and he’d staged an intervention soon thereafter.

“You finally caught on, didn’t you?” Kenny had said when he’d finally cornered him in his basement.

Playing dumb, Cartman scoffed dismissively and rolled his eyes.

“Caught on to what, poor boy?” He asked. “That you’re a total fucking fag?”

Kenny rolled his eyes right back.

“No, dude. That you are. At least, you are for Kyle. You love him, don’t you?”

Cartman turned pink, and his chest puffed out in preparation to shoot back some insult or indignant denial.

“Shut up, Kenny! I’m not-!”

“Don’t even bother. It’s obvious, Cartman! It’s been obvious forever.”

Cartman briefly wondered what he meant by that. Obvious that he was gay, or that he was gay for Kyle. The idea of other people knowing either thing made his stomach turn.

“I care about you, man.” Kenny continued, putting a hand on his shoulder. “And I just...wanted to tell you that you shouldn’t be ashamed. Or embarrassed.”

Cartman cringed, swatting his hand away and ignoring the way his face turned an even darker shade of red. This whole thing was humiliating, and he just wished Kenny didn’t have such damn could perception of other people.

“I’m not fucking—fuck you, Kenny! We are not having this conversation. I don’t love Kyle, okay? I don’t even like him!”

“Right. Okay. You don’t like Kyle, your mom’s not a whore, and you’re not fat, you’re big boned.”

“Exactly. I’m glad you understand, Ke-“

“I’m being sarcastic, dude! You’re in denial, and in the long run it’s only going to bite you in the ass.”

“I-“

“He likes you too, dude. Maybe he hasn’t realized it yet, but you two were fucking made for each other. It’s why you always, without fail, get drawn back to each other after all of your stupid fights. Like moths to a fucking flame.”

Cartman considered that. Could Kyle actually like him back? He couldn’t deal with this right now. He needed to be alone to process this, and to figure out how he felt about the whole thing.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kenny asked, looking somewhat guilty for bringing it up in the first place.

Cartman just groaned, lifting himself out of the armchair he was in and pushing past Kenny. The conversation had put his feelings into words for the first time, and it didn’t feel good. After that, it became considerably harder for Cartman to pretend.

Kyle was never the master of repression that Cartman was, but it took him a while to come to terms with his feelings too. Liking a boy was overshadowed by the fact that that boy was Eric Cartman, so Kyle never really gave himself the chance to have a sexual identity crisis.

The first time he got an inkling that his feelings for Cartman might be something more than bitter annoyance was freshman year.

The passenger side of Liane’s car was struck by a Dodge Ram making an illegal turn, and Cartman took the brunt of the crash. The boys went to visit him in the hospital that same day, and Kyle had felt absolutely fucking terrible.

He and Cartman had gotten into an argument the previous afternoon that had ended, as usual, with both boys declaring their hatred for each other. The memory filled Kyle with unease. He didn’t actually hate Cartman. If he had, he would never spend so much time trying to make him better.

Seeing Cartman all beaten up in a hospital bed amplified this knowledge by ten. His hair was disheveled, one of his legs was in a cast, and his bare chest was covered in cuts and bruises. For some unexplainable reason, the idea that Cartman might have died was terrifying to him.

“It’s about fucking time you assholes showed up!” Cartman exclaimed as they walked through the door to his hospital room.

Kyle glared at him at the time, but he’d be lying if he said the words didn’t wash over him in a wave of comfort.

“Just be grateful we showed up at all.” He said, but he gave him a smile that he hoped Cartman understood to mean _I’m glad you’re okay._

After Cartman was released from the hospital, Kyle started noticing more and more of the little things about him. The striking brown and blue of his mismatched eyes, how impressive his points were during class debates, how cute his hair looked when he actually let it get messy.

Fighting with him became less like a game and more like a chore, and on some days Kyle found himself wishing that they could just spend time together without it always turning into an all out war.

There was one day in particular, during the April that they were fifteen, where Kyle dreaded interacting with Cartman. He was having a bad day by all accounts: he missed his bus, forgot his lunch, and had a headache. Getting into an argument with Cartman used to be a source of venting, but right then it just seemed like an exhausting nightmare.

“Hey, Jew.” Cartman greeted with a sneer as he strolled up to their usual table in the cafeteria. “Have you been to the beach lately?”

“Wha-?”

“I said: have you been to the beach lately? I don’t see how else you could have possibly gotten all that sand in your vagina.”

Kyle let out a long groan of irritation, putting his face in his hands.

“Can we just-ugh-not do this right now? I’m so not in the mood.” He said.

Cartman stopped in his tracks, surveying him. He couldn’t remember Kyle ever asking him to back down from a fight. He looked so tired, and so defeated, that Cartman actually decided to take pity on him.

“Eh. Whatever, dude.” He said, taking his seat across from Kyle. “So, when does basketball season start again?”

Kyle’s eyes widened for a moment before giving him a surprised, grateful smile. That’s when the arguments started getting fun again. There was some kind of unspoken understanding between them now, and whatever it was made Kyle’s heart flutter.

Sophomore year was the year of subtle flirting and mutual pining. Cartman walked Kyle to more than one of his classes on the pretense of continuing an argument, and Kyle didn’t mind at all.

Neither of them said anything about it, but it was clear to them both that something was changing. On Homecoming night, Cartman and Kyle had a monster movie marathon while Stan and Kenny went out with their dates.

“Kyle likes him back, doesn’t he?” Stan whispered on the limo ride over to the school, looking vaguely ill.

Kenny laughed, giving him a friendly punch on the shoulder.

“Sorry, buddy. Looks like we’re gonna be seeing some little Kyman babies running around here one day.”

“Don’t be fucking gross.” Stan replied, taking a swig of his drink and grimacing.

The school year continued for the most part without incident, and Kyle and Cartman’s feelings didn’t really reach a fever pitch until late March.

They were spending the afternoon alone together after school, supposedly working on an English project but mostly dicking around, when things first began to heat up between them.

They were sitting on a couch in Cartman’s basement, materials spread out on the floor below them, but neither of them could really focus on the task at hand.

“This is so stupid, Kyle.” Cartman groaned. “This class fucking sucks.”

Kyle looked at him, confused.

“I thought you’d like this book, dude.” He said honestly. “Theft, murder, criminals on the run. Kind of a glimpse into your future, right?”

“Oh, haha. Very funny.” Cartman said sarcastically. “That stuff is cool I guess, but I can’t stand reading all the gay shit in between.”

“You just don’t appreciate good writing, fatass.” Kyle said with a smile.

Cartman returned the smile, his expression softening.

“You know, Kyle.” He said thoughtfully. “This book has got me thinking one thing.”

“And what would that be, Cartman?”

“I think the two of us could get away with murder.”

Kyle’s jaw fell open, and Cartman just smiled even bigger.

“What the fuck are you talking about, Cartman?!”

“Relax, Jew.” Cartman said. “I’m not saying we should actually do it. Just-hypothetically-I think we could.”

Despite himself, Kyle was curious. This was as close to complimentary as Cartman ever got.

“And what makes you think that?” He asked.

“Because, Kyle! We work great together! You’re brilliant, I’m brilliant! I mean, I’m more brilliant than you, but still-“

“Oh, yeah right!”

“Don’t interrupt me. Anyway, if we killed Kenny-“

“Kenny? Why in the fuck would we kill Kenny?”

“It’s not like he’d actually-nevermind. All I’m saying is that we make a good team.”

A small smile formed on Kyle’s face at that. Cartman’s little rant was touching, in a weird sort of way. In a really weird, very Cartman sort of way. For the first time since they’d started talking, Kyle realized that Cartman’s hand was resting on his thigh.

He glanced at it, then into Cartman’s eyes, and suddenly they were kissing. It was sudden and overexcited, but it felt right. When they pulled away, both with red cheeks, it was Kyle who spoke first.

“I don’t want to do this if it’s just fucking around.” He said earnestly. “I-you know-like you.”

The whole situation felt painfully vulnerable for both boys. Admitting that you’re sort of-maybe-in love with your arch nemesis is the very definition of sacrificing your pride.

“I-“ Cartman started, color rushing to his face, “Yeah. Me too. I like you too.”

Kyle smiled shyly at him, and Cartman leaned in for another kiss without even thinking about it. The kiss was brief, but satisfying, and both of their hearts were threatening to beat out of their chests.

“So? What is this?” Kyle asked. “Are we like...boyfriends now?”

Cartman grinned wickedly.

“Ooh!” He said teasingly. “Kyle wants to be my boooyfriiiiend!”

Kyle was not amused.

“Cartman, I-!”

Cartman grabbed him by the neck, dragging him in for yet another searing kiss. Kyle returned the gesture, rushing to slip his tongue into Cartman’s mouth.

“Jesus, Kyle.” Cartman commented when they pulled away. “You know you don’t have to use that much tongue.”

“Oh, fuck you.” Kyle said fondly. “Like you’ve ever kissed anyone else.”

“Uh, hello? Does the name Heidi Turner ring a bell?”

“Fourth grade doesn’t count!”

Cartman gave a genuine laugh at that. It had been a long, long time since he felt this happy.

“We are boyfriends, by the way.” He said. “You’re stuck with me now.”

Kyle raised an eyebrow.

“I’ve been stuck with you my whole life, fatass. At least now it’s slightly more pleasant.”

They laughed and kept kissing for a while, until Kyle was practically in his lap. He pulled back abruptly at one point, eyes the size of saucers.

“No way can we tell anyone about this by the way, fatass.” He hissed, sinking deeper into the couch and still bright red.

Cartman sneered, sliding an arm around his shoulders.

“What’s your problem, Jew? Feeling shy about being with someone so out of your league?”

Kyle smirked.

“Yeah right, asshole. It’s the election I’m worried about.”

The smug expression on Cartman’s face shifted, and Kyle watched as he blinked in confusion.

“The-what are you talking about, Kyle?”

“The election! Jesus, do you not pay any attention to your surroundings at all? The student government elections are in two weeks, and I’m planning on winning junior class president for next year.”

Cartman was surprised that he’d missed that. Normally, he would know about something so significant going on in Kyle’s life. In fact, normally he would have already been initiating his counter campaign.

“I’m not surprised, Jew. You were always destined to become a bureaucrat. But what does any of this have to do with our...relationship?”

He hesitated before using the word, and Kyle flashed him a brief but reassuring smile.

“It’s because the entire school hates you, fatass.” He said matter of factly.

“What the fuck?!”

Kyle had no idea why he thought Cartman might take that in stride. This was, after all, the same Eric Cartman who had once broken the door to his pantry in half because someone finished the Ritz crackers before he could get to them.

“Oh, come on!” Kyle said, pleading wordlessly with him. “Don’t act like you didn’t already know that!”

Flustered, Cartman took his arm from around Kyle’s shoulders to run a hand through his messy, brown hair.

“It’s-well-it’s not just me, Kyle! It’s all fucking four of us! What, are you gonna make Stan and Kenny stop talking to you in public?”

“They’re not nearly as bad as you, fatass! Girls love Stan, and no one hates Kenny except for Craig Tucker.”

“You’re ashamed to be dating me!” Cartman yelled, his tone accusatory.

Kyle looked at him in sheer incredulity. Even after a lifetime of dealing with Eric Cartman, his incredible lack of self awareness ever failed to astound.

“Are you really surprised, Cartman?” He demanded. “I mean, honestly: you’ve spent your entire life being as much of an insufferable asshole as is humanly possible. You know that people don’t like you, right?”

Next to him, Cartman gaped. Kyle just looked at him skeptically. He couldn’t believe that Cartman didn’t expect this. There was no way he couldn’t recognize his own behavior as horrible, unless he was even more delusional than anyone thought.

“They don’t like you either, Kyle! I don’t know how you expect to win the election with your reputation as a self righteous bitch.”

Kyle frowned, standing up from the couch to tower over him. Cartman stood immediately, reconfiguring the height difference so that it was back to normal. He had a good few inches on Kyle, and he liked to keep it that way.

“People will vote for me because they know I’m competent.” Kyle hissed, practically spitting in his face. “I’m the best for the job, and everyone knows that.”

Cartman fixed a glare on him, noting the way Kyle was clenching and unclenching his fists.

“Will you just admit that this election is an excuse to hide our relationship? Even after you win, you’re just gonna make up the next reason why you can’t be seen with me.”

Kyle tried not to let his expression convey his surprise, and instead gave him a smirk. It was the same smirk he had every time he knew he’d come out on top.

“So you do think I’m going to win?” He asked knowingly.

Bingo. Cartman opened his mouth and closed it again, contorting his face in a way that expressed both fury and embarrassment.

“Goddamnit, Kyle! Fuck you! Stop changing the subject!”

Kyle chuckled and sighed, a lot of the frustration disappearing from his body. Something about knowing that Cartman expected him to win filled him with confidence and a new relaxation.

“Fine, Cartman. I’ll make you a deal: you don’t do absolutely anything that could potentially fuck up my campaign for the next two weeks, and when it’s over, we’ll go public with our relationship.”  
  
The idea scared him, but he also knew that they couldn’t hide this forever. They’d probably get ripped on a lot afterward, but it couldn’t possibly be worse than the shit he’d gotten after Cartman sang to him at that basketball game in fourth grade.

Cartman looked absolutely gleeful; almost deliriously so. Landing Kyle Broflovski would be the best bragging rights he ever had, and he couldn’t wait to show off their relationship. As for the campaign, that would be easy. If he and Kyle were good at one thing, it was public speeches and using them to get what they wanted.

“Clever, Broflovski.” He said with a grin. “You’ve got yourself a deal.”


	2. Chapter 2

“This is such a nightmare!” Stan said, collapsing into the nearest chair and pouting.

He and Kenny were backstage in their school auditorium along with various underclassmen, waiting for all the student government candidates to make their speeches. With his best friend and girlfriend as the two leading candidates for their grade, Stan was kind of feeling torn down the middle on who he should be supporting.

“You have to vote for Kyle, dude.” Kenny said, clearly amused by the whole situation. “Bros before hoes, y’know?”

Stan glared at him.

“Wendy’s not a hoe, Kenny! She’s my girlfriend!”

 “The principle still stands.”

 As though summoned by the mention of her name, Wendy Testaburger appeared through the left wing of the stage wearing a low cut black shirt tucked into a pink mini skirt.

“What’s up, you guys?” She asked with a pretty smile.

Kenny nodded politely and she turned to address her boyfriend, who was standing from his chair to greet her.

“Hey, Stan.” She said, giving him a kiss to the cheek.

“Hey, babe. You look really nice.”

“Yeah, Wends!” Kenny chimed in eagerly. “You look awesome!”

Wendy moved her head and flashed him a knowing smirk. He raised an eyebrow confusedly, unsure how to read what she was trying to convey.

“Complimenting me to make up for the fact that you’re going to vote for Kyle, Ken?” She teased.

Stan cringed but Kenny just laughed, stepping forward to squeeze her upper arm affectionately.

“Come on, Wendy.” He said. “You know I have to be there for my boy when he needs me. Stan’s a traitor, but that doesn’t mean I have to be.”

Wendy laughed at that, playfully shoving Kenny’s hand away. Stan shot him a glare.

“Where is the rest of the dream team, anyway?” Wendy asked mockingly, looking around the room for any sign of Cartman and Kyle.

The two freshmen in the running for their class looked at them with wide eyes, as though suddenly realizing who exactly they were in an enclosed space with. Kenny shrugged, glancing at Stan through the corner of his eye.

“Kyle and Cartman? They’re probably having sex somewhere.”

Wendy’s eyes bugged out of her head, and Kenny laughed. Next to them, Stan nearly gagged.

“Are you being serious?” Wendy asked. “Like, they’re seriously official?”

Stan did a double take, giving Wendy a look like she’d betrayed him.

“What is that supposed to mean?” He asked incredulously. “You think they’re a thing too?”

Wendy shrugged, clearly unsure why Stan would react with such shock and confusion. As far as she was concerned, the rumor that Kyle and Cartman had feelings for each other was pretty much regarded as factual at this point.

“Sure I do.” Wendy said simply. “They’re either going to end up killing each other or taking over the world. Every one knows that.”

“What?” Stan asked. “Taking over the world? Kyle’s my best friend! If anyone’s going to help him take over the world, it’s gonna be me!”

Wendy looked at him patronizingly, sighing the way she did when Stan was acting completely clueless. Which, these days, seemed to be happening more and more often.

“Do you have any interest in taking over the world, Stanley?” She asked.

He blushed slightly at the way she was calling him out and wracked his brain for a witty response.

“No he doesn’t!” Kenny interrupted, wrapping an arm around Stan’s shoulders.

“Shut up Kenny!” Stan said with a scowl, elbowing him away. “How the hell would you know what I have an interest in?”

“Because you’re not one for great ambition, dude.” Kenny replied with a shrug. “That’s okay. Neither am I. All that big idea shit is for Cartman and Kyle.”

Wendy nodded.

“Right. That’s why I’m going to be a senator for the state of Colorado and you’re...gonna be a stay at home dad, I guess.”

She wrinkled her nose and squinted as Stan’s face turned pale with panic.

“You guess? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You’re gonna break up with me during senior year, aren’t you? God, I knew it!”

“Is that what I said, Stan? Jesus, you’re so-!”

Stan was spared any more of his girlfriend’s tirade when one of the doors leading to the backstage area opened and Kyle walked in, looking frazzled.

“Thank god.” Kenny whispered under his breath, glad not to be in the middle of one of Stan and Wendy’s arguments.

“I know I’m late, Wendy, so don’t bother telling me!” Kyle said, voice already colored with irritation.

“I wasn’t saying anything, Ky.” Wendy replied, still eyeing Stan warily.

“I was tutoring Bebe in the library, and she wasn’t getting any of it. Man, who knew calculus was so fucking hard?”

“That’s my best friend you’re talking about, Broflovski.” Wendy warned.

“Calculus _is_ hard.” Stan muttered.

Kyle started to continue his rant when the door that he had come in through opened yet again, and this time Eric Cartman entered in a whirlwind with an evil grin and a glint in his eye.

“And so everyone’s least favorite quartet is complete once more.” Wendy said with an eye roll.

“What the fuck are you doing here, fatass?” Kyle demanded, clearly growing nervous.

Kyle and Cartman had been together officially for three days and so far, things were going surprisingly well. Cartman had tried calling him ‘honey’ at one point, though, to which Kyle had strongly and loudly objected.

“You can’t call me that!” He said, blushing. “You sound like Tweek and Craig, or Stan’s parents when they aren’t fighting.”

“Fine, Kyle! Whatever! Sue me for trying to be a good boyfriend!”

He’d switched to calling him ‘babe’ after that, which was still humiliating but significantly more acceptable. At least, Kyle hadn’t called any attention to it yet.

“What? You expect me to go out there and sit with Butters?” Cartman said now. “No fucking way, dude.”

“Yes! That’s exactly what I-!”

Cartman ignored Kyle completely, turning away from him to look Wendy over with a sneer.

“Wendy, don’t you think it would behoove you to-how do I put this-not dress like such a whore?” He asked.

Stan glared, and Kenny concealed his smirk with the back of his hand. Kyle cringed, hoping that Stan and Wendy didn’t decide to make this into a whole thing.

“Kyle!” Wendy hissed, crossing her arms. “Will you get him out of here? He’s kind of your responsibility, isn’t he?”

Kyle frowned. His responsibility? Jesus, it’s almost like Wendy knew they were together. Was it that obvious? But then again, keeping Cartman contained always had sort of been his job, even if he wasn’t always successful.

“Sorry, Wendy.” He said. “Cartman, shut the fuck up and go find a seat in the auditorium.

“You shut up, Kyle! I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking.”

“Go sit down, fatass!”

Cartman grumbled something under his breath but stopped arguing, simply exiting the way he’d come in with a brief flash of his middle finger.

“We should probably get going too.” Stan said, pulling Wendy in by the wrist to kiss her goodbye.

“You’re gonna do great, babe.” He said before turning his attention to Kyle.

“You’re gonna do great too, dude. You’ll both do great. I’m gonna go now before I say something stupid and alienate either of you.”

Kenny laughed, using one hand to ruffle Kyle’s hair and the other to grab Stan by the arm.

“Good luck you guys! See ya later!”

With one last wave he dragged Stan away, leaning Wendy and Kyle alone. They smiled somewhat awkwardly each other as Wendy adjusted her skirt.

“Do I really look like a whore?” She asked. “Be honest.”

Kyle shook his head.

“Nah. Cartman’s just an idiot who needs attention to survive. Even he doesn’t believe half the things he says.”

Wendy’s eyes widened, and she looked alarmed.

“Oh man, Kyle. I’m so nervous about this speech that I forgot that Eric Cartman is an idiot.”

Kyle smirked.

“That’s a little disconcerting, Wendy. No class election is worth your common sense.”

Before Wendy could respond, there was a ripple of sound from onstage as the teacher in charge of student government began speaking into the microphone. She went over the basic reminders of proper etiquette while speeches were being given, and Kyle quietly began studying his note cards.

Soon enough, both of the freshmen who’d been standing around were ushered onstage to present. Kyle would say that their speeches were unimpressive, but he was also willing to admit that his standards might simply be a little too high. Gay speeches were, after all, kind of his bread and butter.

And of all the things to be attributed to a person, Kyle didn’t think an affinity for learning and sharing that knowledge was all that bad. It was better than being known as That Kid Who Ate His Parents, or something equally as terrible.

Wendy’s speech was good, but Kyle still considered his to be better. All of her complaints came off more as whining than anything, and she wasn’t all that compelling. 

It was his own turn as soon as she had finished, and he entered the stage eagerly and with a smile. He’d been looking forward to this.

“Good morning, fellow students.” Kyle said, gripping both sides of the podium and looking solemn.

From the front row, Kenny beamed at him and Stan gave him an encouraging thumbs up. Cartman sat on Kenny’s left side and winked, a gesture so quick that Kyle almost missed it.

“My name is Kyle Broflovski.” He continued, now grinning. “Although, I’m sure most of you already know that. I know my friends and I are kind of famous around here.”

The audience chuckled, and Kenny whooped obnoxiously. Next to him, Stan shot an elbow into his side. Two rows behind them, Craig Tucker rolled his eyes.

“We get it: you and your friends fucking suck.” He whispered into Tweek’s ear. “Just get on with it already.”

Tweek giggled and leaned in to his shoulder, shushing him.

“I don’t think anyone in Stan’s gang is capable of comprehending that other people might not like them.” Token whispered with a grin.

They chuckled as Kyle continued onstage, where he stood staring intently out at the student body. Evidently, he had yet to grow out his ‘gay speech’ phase.

“We’ve gotten into some...really weird situations over the years.” He said. “All of us have.”

“All of us?” Craig whispered disbelievingly.“I think a certain group of people may have been slightly more involved than the rest of us.”

Tweek snickered again but smacked lightly at Craig’s shoulder.

“Let him talk, Craig. Maybe he’ll actually have something useful to say.”

“Yeah right, babe. That’ll be a first.”

Stan turned around in his seat to narrow his eyes at the both of them, silently ordering that they shut up. Craig stuck his tongue out at him petulantly, causing Tweek to stifle his laughter and Stan to roll his eyes as he faced front again.

“But I think that living through all those crazy situations...only made me more prepared to be your president.” Kyle was saying as they tuned back in.

“Being well versed in the unconventional, the inexplicable, and the insane has taught me th—

“Just get on with it already!” Cartman jeered from the audience, cutting Kyle off mid sentence.

Kyle stopped dead in his tracks, hoping the shock didn’t show on his face. Had Cartman seriously just pulled that bullshit? God! Kyle should have known he couldn’t trust him not to screw everything up. 

“As I was saying,” He said, now positively glowering at Cartman, “I have a lot of experience dealing with shitty situations. And with _assholes_ like Cartman.”

“Language!” A teacher barked from somewhere in the crowd as students laughed around her.

“Right.” Kyle muttered bitterly. “Sorry about that.”

The rest of his speech progressed without interruption, but all the while Cartman stared at him with that all too familiar shit eating grin on his face. Kyle was seething. Of course! Of fucking course! He put faith in Eric Cartman to not be a complete dick for once in his miserable life, and once again he was let down.

Kyle spent the rest of his day seeing red. As soon as the students were released from the auditorium he bolted, making sure to get out of the doors and far away before Cartman could catch up to him. Stan shot him a text moments later.

 **great** **speech** , **dude**. **cartman’s** **and** **idiot**

* **an**

There were only three classes left after the speeches were through, and Kyle spent the entire remainder of his day planning what he would say when he confronted Cartman. He’d go straight to him after school, he decided, and he knew just where to find him.

He headed directly toward the theatre room after the last bell rang, knowing that Cartman often went directly there to rehearse after school. The drama room wasn’t a place Kyle frequented, obviously, but he knew because of Cartman which hallway it was located in. As he stepped inside and glanced around, it seemed that no one was around except for South Park’s resident homosexuals.

Tweek Tweak was sitting on a set of bleachers and sewing costumes for Hairspray, the school’s upcoming musical. Craig was sitting on the step beneath him looking bored out of his mind, just kind of staring at the movement of his boyfriend’s hands as he worked and looking at the clock every few seconds.

“How long are we gonna be here, babe?” He almost-whined.

“Fifteen more minutes at the most, Craig.” Tweek said calmly. “You can go get us something from the vending machine if you want something to do.” 

Craig’s interest seemed piqued, and he reached into his back pocket to pull out a wad of crumpled dollar bills.

“Coke?” He asked.

Tweek nodded, leaning down slightly to kiss him.

“Yeah. Thank you, by the way. I’ll pay next time.” 

Craig smiled and stepped down onto the carpet, only then realizing that Kyle had arrived. Unsurprisingly, his face quirked in disgust. 

“Oh, perfect.” He said flatly before turning his attention back to Tweek. “Good luck with whatever this asshole wants, babe.” 

With that, he sidestepped Kyle and left through the door, leaving Tweek looking confused and slightly concerned.

“Hey, Tweek.” Kyle said, shoving his hands in the pocket of his jacket. “Is Eri-uh-I mean, is Cartman here?” 

The question only brought a little relief to Tweek’s face, which Kyle could understand. Having he and Cartman in the same room was usually a recipe for some kind of disaster.

“Cartman?” He said. “Uh-yes? I think so. I can-do you want me to get him?”

Kyle shrugged, trying his best to look nonchalant. 

“If it’s not too much trouble, dude. Thanks.” 

With a nod, Tweek turned, hopped off the bleachers and headed to the dressing rooms located in the back of the room. Poking his head into one of them, he called inside for Cartman to come out.

“Ugh, Tweek!” Kyle heard resounding from the back room. “What do you want?”

Tweek turned back to roll his eyes in Kyle’s direction, gesturing frustratedly into the room where Cartman’s voice had come from.

“Can’t you just call him, Kyle?” He asked. “I don’t think he can resist the sound of your voice.”

Kyle forced himself to ignore both the comment and the burning in the tips of his ears. Taking a few steps closer, he cupped a hand around his mouth.

“Hey, fatass!” He yelled. “Come out here! I need to talk to you about something.”

There was a pause, and then a rush of movement. Tweek groaned, giving Kyle a wave as he returned to his sewing. Cartman appeared momentarily, his face overtaken by an exaggerated grin.

“Kyle!” He said in greeting, taking him by the crook of the elbow and steering him back into the dressing room. 

“You taking me away so you can kill me without any witnesses?” Kyle asked dryly.

Without answering, Cartman put a hand on the side of Kyle’s face and planted a wet and unceremonious kiss on his mouth.

“Lovely.” Kyle said, voice dripping with sarcasm as he used the back of his hand to wipe any residual saliva from his mouth.

“You know you love it, Kyle.” Cartman replied with a grin. “I’ve missed you today.”

The words took Kyle off guard, and he was sure his physical reaction showed it. Cartman missed him? As in, actually missed being around him? That was something he never thought he’d hear.

“You what?” Kyle asked, not bothering to mask his shock.

Cartman shrugged, as though what he’d said was no big deal and not a huge milestone in terms of their relationship.

“Am I not allowed to miss my own boyfriend? Geez, Kyle! I barely got to see you today.”

Kyle was confused, thinking about the change in that morning’s schedule compared to a normal one. He’d been allowed to miss his first three periods for ‘speech preparation’, and then missed lunch to study in help Bebe with her calculus.

Today had been abnormal, sure, but it wasn’t like it lessened his time with Cartman too considerably. They only had 2nd period English together anyway, so what was the big deal?

“What’s the big deal, dude?” He wondered out loud. “So I missed second period; what difference does it really make?”

“Yeah, but second period is kind of the highlight of my day-fuck you, Kyle. Don’t look at me like that.”

Kyle had started half smiling at him, smug and secretly touched.

“Oh, don’t mind me!” He said teasingly. “Keep going, Eric.”

Cartman huffed and muttered something under his breath, hiding his quickly reddening face with a sleeve. In the back of his mind, Kyle knew he looked really adorable.

“Fuck you, Kyle! I’m trying to be all emotional and shit, and y-“

“Okay, I’m sorry!” Kyle said, muffling a laugh. “Please, keep explaining how much better I make your life.”

Cartman made sure to glare at him for a moment before continuing.

“Well, we usually walk together from second period to third, and then I meet you after fourth and walk with you to lunch. Today-you know-we didn’t get to do any of that.”

As he spoke, a smile formed on Kyle’s face. He hadn’t ever quantified their time together in his mind quite that way, but now he did recognize how much he’d also looked forward to those little moments together.

“Wow, Cartman.” He said quietly. “That was...uncharacteristically sweet.”

“Right. Cool. Whatever! Can we stop talking about this now? God, Kyle, you’re such a pussy!” 

Kyle laughed. It was so typical of Cartman to shy away from actual emotion like this. Though, to be fair, Kyle himself could sometimes be guilty of the same thing.

“I guess we can stop talking about it for now, but I reserve the right to make fun of you about it later.”

Cartman huffed, charging bravely forward with the conversation and hoping Kyle wouldn’t bring it up again.

“That speech of yours wasn’t actually horrible. I mean, I could’ve done better but-“

His mention of the speech brought Kyle back to the reason he’d come here in the first place, and his relaxed grin quickly shifted into a glare. 

“Oh right, the fucking speech!” He said, his tone changing radically. “What was up with that shit you pulled, asshole?”

Cartman was alarmed, stepping backward from him. 

“Shit I-what? What the fuck did I do this time?” 

Kyle resisted the urge to shove him, simply because something about getting physically violent seemed inappropriate now that they were in a relationship. He was sure that his restraint wouldn’t last forever, but maybe he could at least hold off on it for a little longer. 

“What did you do? You fucking heckled me! Were you trying to make me look like an idiot or what?”

“Kyle, calm down!” Cartman said, holding up both hands in surrender. 

Attempting to placate Kyle was something he spent a lot of doing over the years, but it was never something he’d gotten particularly good at. Of course, with someone as hotheaded as Kyle it would be a nearly impossible task for anyone.

“You better have a really fucking good explanation for this one, fatass.” Kyle said. “Because you promised me y-!”

“I do kyle, I do!” Cartman assured him hurriedly. “Jeez, if you didn’t get yourself so riled up about it I might have finished explaining by now.”

Kyle was not amused, still fixing him with the same glare as before. 

“Don’t push me, Cartman.” 

“Sorry, sorry! Just listen to me, okay?”

“I’m listening, fatass!” 

“Great. Wonderful. Now, Jew-“

Kyle growled.

“I said don’t fucking push me, Cartman.”

“Oooooh. Right. What I meant to say was: Now, _Kyle_. We can both agree that I’m a master manipulator, correct?” 

Kyle scoffed, wondering where this could possibly be going.

“I don’t know if I’d go that far, Cartman.” He said.

“Go that far?! I-you-Kyle! I’m totally good at persuading people to do my bidding! Everyone knows that!”

His voice was quickly devolving into a whine, and if Kyle wasn’t so pissed off he probably would have laughed. 

“Okay, whatever.” He said. “You’re good at getting what you want all the time. What’s your point?”

Apparently pleased with that assessment, Cartman smiled in a way that could be described as suspicious. Or conniving.

“My point is that I know a thing or two about swaying crowds. Like that time with my Mel Gibson fan club, remember?”

Kyle’s face contorted with disgust. The memory was vague, but it had nothing good attached to it.

“You mean your hoard of Nazis? Yeah, I remember.”

“Hmm. I guess I could’ve come up with a better example. But ANYWAY-“

“This better be so fucking good.”

“I knew that if I interrupted your speech, then people would feel bad and vote for you out of pity! Pretty sweet idea, right?”

Kyle blinked. That was all? It could’ve been an excuse he made up on the spot, honestly. 

“Really?” He asked. “You seriously think that’s going to work? Says fucking who, Cartman?”

“Says experience, Kyle! It’s like when everyone votes for the loser for prom queen because they feel bad!”

Kyle wondered if there could possibly be some truth to what he was saying. He supposed human conscience did play a role in any decision, and guilt? Well, guilt could work miracles on the human mind.

“I guess you could maybe be...right.” He said slowly. “Maybe the sympathy card will help.” 

“I know I’m right. Now if you’ll excuse me, Kyle, my cast is waiting for me in the auditorium. Please excuse yourself so that I can get dressed.”

Kyle felt himself be shoved unceremoniously from the room as the door slammed behind him, and he was just as perplexed as he normally was following an encounter with Eric Cartman.

How did he do that? How did he always convince everyone (especially Kyle) that he was so smart, so knowledgeable, and so...redeemable? Why did Kyle always walk away with renewed faith in him?

He walked past Tweek and Craig in a Cartman induced trance and almost made it out the door but found that he couldn’t help himself, and turned right around and walked back inside.

“Craig.” He said, his demeanor reeking of insecurity. “You’re gonna vote for me for class president, right?” 

Tweek looked up curiously from his sewing, but Craig looked just as bored as he had before Kyle started talking.

“No.” He said with finality.

Kyle groaned, clenching a fist at his side.

“Its because of what Cartman said during my speech, isn’t it?” He whined. 

“No.” Craig repeated simply. “It’s because I think you’re a fucking douchebag.”

And with that he returned to watching his boyfriend sew, leaving Kyle to wonder whether or not that was supposed to be comforting.


End file.
